*** Please don't copy or steal this!!!!***
This came from that journal.
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The Scream
If I ever let out the scream inside me, it will be heard for miles. It will echo across acres of land and tens of years. It will be a scream of rage and hurt and violation and of things wrongfully taken. It will put fear into the hearts of wild beasts, topple mountains and shatter the calm. It will ripple and grow and turn in upon itself as it simultaneously devours everything in its path.
If I ever let out the scream inside me, it will come from the very depths of my soul. It will start at my toes, explode through my heart, spring out through my tears. It will freeze my face in an expression of terror and pain. It will rip through the essence of my being. It would convulse my body into spasms of anguish and sorrow.
I would know, at that instant, how murders happen, how suicides are excused or explained...how vulnerable each of us really are.
I would scream the rage for myself and every other child throughout time that has been hurt, abused, neglected, afraid, abandoned or forgotten. I would scream the rage for myself and every other child throughout time that has sought comfort and been turned away or ignored, that looked for answers without knowing the questions.
If I ever let out the scream inside me it would be an emotional vomiting of things rotten and diseased, of things soured and spoiled...contaminated things that sit and churn and cannot be purged by any other means than an immense, sudden and explosive release. For the feelings behind the scream are volatile....and pressurized.
If I ever let out the scream inside me, I will have to do it alone, for I was alone when it was forced upon me in the first place. The scream is mine and mine alone. It is one of the few things I was allowed to keep. Most everything else was taken.
But now the scream wants to be set free....it doesn't want to be mine anymore. It demands release. How can I expect anyone to hold me near? I don't even want to be here...Hide, hide! Go to sleep! Maybe it will fade away. Maybe it will stay... I don't think so. I think it wants out.
It hurts! It swells and presses outward...but I can't let it go!!! I am paralyzed by it. It's got ME captive instead of the other way around.
Or...maybe we're both prisoners of each other....? I just don't know....
10 comments:
Thank you for expressing something I also feel. I wish you well, and I wish for you to be in the present, and clear, if you can do it, please write how you did.
This sums my feelings right up..some times i swear if i open my mouth ill start screaming itll never stop..
I believe that things don't get right unitil the truth comes out.
All that matters is that it's your truth.
Maybe the scream is our fear of what would happen to the others whom we protect - not us - if we let it speak.
Therefore, already knowing what that scream sounds like, could we befriend it, like a wild animal, and see it s our light, not our darkness?
I've always hated that saying "You're truth" vs The truth, something about the one in quotes is invalidating. I've recently been doing some reading up on adult survivors of child abuse as I am one and have a tendency of trivializing it by telling myself "Who isn't these days ? Ya' know ?" but on the other hand I've never met anyone whose grown up in conditions parallel to my own so I'm not sure. Either way I came across this blog here and honestly this rings true for me as I look at everything in retrospect in a very logical way but I have to do so in a emotionally disconnected fashion. Thank you for writing this , it's all best put here through the writings of someone who seems to be able relate rather than through a dr's perspective.
Wow, I'm oddly pleasently surprised to read something expressing EXACTLY how i feel and yet never can seem to find the words. All that comes to mind is a lasting scream. At this very moment... Your poem is givinf me some hope, each day is a struggle though...so I'll bookmark it. Sincerely, thank you. For once, finally, i feel like someone knows my anguish.
The Scream got to me. Thanks for posting it.
TurtleKitty
i have lived with this for 17 years , and have never quite found the right words to describe how i feel, until i read this, you think your alone and then something like this comes out huh who woulda thought some one out there can truly relate
I am a suvivor of sexual child abuse and even at 30 I have a very hard time expressing myself. You have captured the very thing that I and the little girl somewhere in me want to "scream" to everyone (especially my mom who is still with my father today). Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. Your work The Scream gives a voice to my pain, my own story, and I cried when I read it. It is visceral, accurate, & relatable. I recently tried to confide in someone who was supposed to care about me, and she kept having the nerve to deny that I was ever abused(!). Needless to say, we are not talking anymore. There is a ton of ignorance still about abuse, esp. child abuse in its various forms. But your entry reminds me we are all together in this, never truly 'alone'. I would like to repost or link it on my own new blog here, but I am not seeing a 'share' button for Blogger.... If it is ok with you, I would like to copy & paste the URL, or somehow share it... Thank you, again.
I would like to leave this post up for people who may be able to relate to it, but I'm becoming afraid it will be *stolen*. So, PLEASE do not copy it anywhere!!!!
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